Unless you’ve been under a rock – and it’s entirely possible that you have been – you know about the two biggest issues facing the nation today. First, Robert Mueller is going to spend an aggregate total of five hours on Capitol Hill today not getting a chance to answer questions from Congress weasels who are genuinely interested in what he has to say and will in no, shape or form use the opportunity to grandstand on camera by asking hard, piercing questions designed to show why the Congress weasel in question should be President of the United States. Then they will smile and nod seriously at whatever few sentences he manages to get out before the next Congressweasel interrupts him.
The other question that is quite literally tearing this nation apart is whether or not pineapple belongs on pizza.
You think that I jest, but that just proves what you don’t know. The fact is that the United States Government took time away from preparing for Robert Mueller’s five-hour snooze fest to prepare a document that can only be described as a political bombshell. it turns out that the Russians, yes, the same exact Russians that Robert Mueller was supposed to have been investigating for interfering with our election turn out to have been busy with nefarious plans to divide this nation over the question of pineapple on pizza! Not only that, but it turns out that the godless, borscht loving, communistic, still flying the Soyuz capsule Russian enemies DO NOT EVEN CARE ABOUT WHAT IS ON OUR PIZZA! All they want is to divide us and make us argue among ourselves about the very fabric of our favorite not-really-Italian food.
And there will not be a single question from anybody in Congress about it today. Not. One.
But they’ll run to the microphones after the testimony to tell us how deeply they care about issues that Americans care about.